I think it is beautiful how a deepam (diya) brings all the five elements of nature together. The red earth that is made wet with water is molded into shape. The wick in it is immersed in ghee to fuel the fire. Smoke fills the air and perfumes the surrounding. The fire sways in the breeze, but the void that surrounds the fire keeps it burning.

The void in itself is thought to be pure and bright (parishudham pariyodhatam). It elicits the feelings of pain and pleasure, and neither-pain-nor-pleasure.

It is just like when we play with fire - if we put our finger in it and let it stay, we will feel pain. If we gently sway our finger through the fire, we will feel pleasure. If we do so long enough, our mind will empty itself of all thought and become one with everything and nothing.

But, I have come a long way from appreciating the coming together of the elements in a deepam, to using a candle lamp. Now when the fire burns and the wax melts in the holder, or when it dies and the wax hardens, I am reminded of air turning into water, or water into ice, and think of how the same element is now in a different state of existence. I wonder if it is like my mind during meditation, changing between conscious awareness and deep inner peace. I also wonder what state of being our existence is in when we are alive in this world and what state it will be in when we pass away and are reborn again or enter other worlds.

Happy Deepavali and Happy Diwali! :)

May we all fire up and reach for the sky. Should we ever fall, may we do so brilliantly, bursting noisily into a million colorful flames and vanishing into nothingness!

My Joyful Mind book is still in one of the unopened boxes from the move, but I decided to go on without it for now and start meditating.

In the last three days, I could see myself going through all the previous teachings in lickety-split haste: Maintain the awareness of the preciousness of life (One of the Preliminaries), Regard dharma as dreams, Examine the nature of unborn awareness, Self-liberatie even the antidote.

I still don’t understand the significance of these teachings. They make good reading, and my mind drifts in and out of reverie as I consider them, along with occasional contemplation about existence.

Both day before yesterday as well as yesterday, my mind was mostly occupied with the chaos of trivial thought, and a battle to remain in the blissful state of calm when I arrived at it. I kept thinking about the noise of the vacuum cleaner in the corridor, the sound of a truck passing by; I wondered if I should buy myself a yoga mat, or one of those pretty runners I saw in the tiny store in Dupont… It was a lot of hollow, pretentious thought, but I decided to keep on, and let my mind do its distracted thing.

I can tell today, I am more settled into a meditative state. It is not entirely thoughtless, but I felt more relaxed and able to focus. I began with the same muddle of disparate thoughts, but alternated between calm and a whirlpool of entropic energy mixed with a quest to find silence. It was liberating in a strange way.

Still, it might be while before I find my rhythm and can sit longer and concentrate. It helps to tell yourself that the idea of meditation is not to empty your mind, but to focus without distraction on one object, like your breath, or a mantra, or a thought. The mind works by holding objects, whether it is something concrete like a tree, or an abstract idea like gravity, or a person you care about. When you close your eyes, you want to try and get to that place where you can focus your mind on that object, without the unnecessary mind chatter running in the background. (Incidentally, this is exactly what we do when we read a book or watch TV. It takes a lot of concentration to sit for hours in front of a huge screen in a theatre and watch a long film, but we do so easily, and find it immensely pleasurable because we have made a habit of it over the years and our mind is used to that activity)

The teachings in the Joyful Mind diary, served as an object I focussed my thoughts on. I realize now how much easier it is to meditate while using it as an aid. I need to find an alternative until I get around to unpacking my boxes.

Slogan:
Self-liberate even the antidote.

Commentary:
Do not hang on to anything -- even the realization that there's nothing solid to hold onto.

For almost two months, I have been lumbered with a teaching that says "do not hang on to anything". I have not only been hanging on to it, but have also been stubbornly faithful to it! Such is the paradox of this teaching.

But, before I get into my thoughts on the teaching itself, I will take off on some related tangents with the hope that everything will come together in the end. :-)

I have never been good at moving on, including from people who give me every reason to want to move on. I could recoil and shrink mentally as a result of hurt; I could physically dissociate myself from them; but I can't stop longing for them and needing them. I do so openly sometimes, but most times it is a secret yearning. Even after a relationship has dissolved, I tend to feel like there is still a lot of affection left to give and take and that's just the way it has been so far. Sometimes, I want to abide by this teaching and tell myself that I should not hang on to anything, not even the realization that there's nothing solid to hold onto. The idea being that I am able to move on easily when a relationship dissolves. At the same time this makes me feel cowardly. I shouldn't have to be afraid of loving someone and holding on to that love, out of fear that I might get hurt when that affection is not returned. I think of my love for Tapi, my family and close friends, and how much I have gained from holding on to them! I even look back at the loving memories of people I have now dissociated myself with, and I don't regret the good times I have shared with them. Still, there is the hurt and the regret that it didn't last forever. It looks like I have one part of this teaching and the opposite of this teaching figured out! I am hanging on to everything, even when there is nothing solid to hang on to.

Being stubborn comes easy to me! While I am endowed with a capacity to reason, I am determined not to change my position on things in spite of good arguments. This is when the heart overtakes the mind and I go with what feels good and not what feels right. Eventually however, I change my attitude but on my own terms. I do not hang on to anything -- even the realization that there's nothing solid to hold onto..... except when I am stubborn :-)

During the previous Joyful Mind exercises, I tried to let my mind go blank until I was told to let it go haywire. I have tried to be aware and hold on to something solid and then I learnt that there is nothing solid to hold on to. With each new teaching, my mind had been in odds with the previous teaching, so much that as soon as I thought I understood one teaching, I was being asked to let go of that understanding and try the opposite. Somehow, it all seems to come together now. The idea I think is to let go of our beliefs and challenge our sense of right and wrong. As soon as we become secure in one belief, it is time to kick against it and adopt a different one. And how else would we do it, except by being absorbed only in our present experience!

I am reminded of the concept of alaya, which Chodron explains Alaya as "the face you had before your parents were born". More directly, Alaya is what you are without your preconceived notions, your beliefs, including your belief in the value of knowledge. The way I understand it, without preconceived notions, a person is floating through life with no sense of past and anticipation of the future. An important 13th century monk, Karmapa Rangjung Dorje, wrote a beautiful poem about Alaya, which occupies my mind today. Nothing explains alaya as simply and profoundly as it does. Here is another well-written post on alaya that I found on a blog today that's making me want to think about this teaching a little more before I move onto the next. I now want to look at this Joyful Mind exercise as a way to experience alaya for a few minutes through meditation, even if it is not completely realizable.

I am reading a translation of Dorje's teachings where he explains alaya quite lucidly. "Transcending Ego: Distinguishing Consciousness from Wisdom". The explanation is on page 8.

Examine the Nature of Unborn Awareness

Easy said! But, what does this mean? If we are able to examine the nature of unborn awareness, how can it be unborn?

One way to interpret it would be to take it quite literally, which is to examine the awareness you had before you were born. This is quite metaphysical, but some abstractions can be simplified and made more intelligible. Like in this case, unborn awareness is the awareness defined outside of the scope of one's self. When you are unborn, you don't have the sense of self or the concept of "I", but you are alive and aware, but that awareness is unaccompanied by ego!

In the last month, I have struggled with this teaching and have only now made peace with it. I decided that I don't have to understand everything. It has fueled enough introspection, albeit exasperatingly. Some of this exasperation comes from the contradictory nature of this teaching from the previous one.

In the previous one Chodron talks about regarding dharma as dreams. The commentary says

"Although you might think things are very solid, they are like passing memory. All that arises in your mind—hate, love and all the rest—is not solid. Although the experience can get extremely vivid, it is just a product of your mind. Nothing solid is really happening."

Whereas, the commentary that goes along with the new teaching says

"Look at your mind, at just simple awareness itself. "Examine" doesn't mean analyze. It means just looking and seeing if there is anything solid to hold onto. Our mind is constantly shifting and changing. Just look at that!"

If all that arises in the mind is not solid (previous teaching), but I am to look into the mind to see if there is anything solid (new teaching), it seems like I am being asked to run after the impossible. How does one coalesce these two very contradictory teachings?

With the previous teaching I was able to translate the ideas into some action. I could look into how I handled relationships, and try not to dwell on temporary feelings of anger, hatred or elation or let them guide my actions and behavior. But, this new teaching isn't as actionable.

So I decided not to analyze the teaching, and just examine it, like the commentary suggests I do. I try to meditate, not by letting my mind go blank, or go haywire, but by trying to find something solid. The only way I found being able to do this so far, is to focus less on myself or a subject, and more on the feeling itself. Feelings can be very solid things. I know it is a fluid emotion that will pass, but for as long as I feel it, it is solid. So there! I am able to marginally reconcile the two teachings. There is an awareness that everything that arises in the mind is like passing memory, and yet as long as it in in my mind, it feels overpowering, like an enveloping cocoon that has taken over my being, feeling more vivid than it is.

Now there are three things I have come to enjoy with my meditation, which I touched upon in my previous post. One, to let my mind go blank; Two, to let it go haywire and see where my thoughts take me; Three, to be aware and hold onto something solid.

I am yet to figure out if I am doing this the right way. I am beginning to feel the need to read more about each teaching. But, in running behind the essence, I am afraid I will turn this into a time consuming activity that might dissuade continuation. I also see some benefit in my ignorant meditative contemplation, like spending time with myself and getting to know my thoughts in the quiet.

My latest Joyful Mind teaching has been abstract in a good way. :)

Slogan:
Regard all dharmas as dreams.

Commentary:
Whatever you experience in your life—pain, pleasure, heat, cold or anything else—is like something happening in a dream. Although you might think things are very solid, they are like passing memory. You can experience this open, unfixated quality in sitting meditation; all that arises in your mind—hate, love and all the rest—is not solid. Although the experience can get extremely vivid, it is just a product of your mind. Nothing solid is really happening.

Practicing this teaching has been very fulfilling so far, even though the contemplation it has lead to is difficult to express in words. Over the last month, I have spent an hour a day in meditation. I am not currently worried about whether I am doing it right, or benefiting from it. I sit cross-legged with my eyes closed and breathe in and out, taking in the silence. My mind is distracted with thoughts, sometimes many pouring out at once. There are thoughts about my job, my immediate goals, concerns about the future, conversations with friends and family that occupy my mind. I find myself replaying conversations I had had recently, or re-imagining how else they could have gone, or fantasizing about future conversations I will have with people over an endless list of topics.

Over time, I realized that these thoughts fade away in a few minutes and I experience a feeling of calm. At first, I found this state of calmness in itself distracting. It would compel me to think about what it feels like to feel nothing. And this would give rise to a second wave of thoughts . But, lately, I have found that I am able to put aside thoughts about thoughts and experience the absence of contemplation at least for a few minutes. This is the part that I find difficult to express. Each time I have tried to express what I feel when I empty my mind of thoughts, I find it difficult to get back to this state the next day while meditating. I have decided therefore to defer all explanations for when I am able to meditate better, except to say that this has been enriching so far. I am eager to take lessons and practice it the right way eventually.

Coming back to the teaching and commentary, I don’t know what it means to regard all dharma as dreams in relation to meditation yet. I have however had some thoughts about what it means in terms of how I handle my relationships with people. If all intense or overpowering feelings such as love, hatred, joy and anger are fluid, like a passing memory and are a creation of one's mind, I cannot dwell on those feelings and let them guide my actions or behavior. Likewise, I can’t bind the person I feel those emotions towards to acknowledge them and reciprocate appropriately. All this seems to point towards compassion and openness and taking things with less seriousness. Did I nail it in theory?

However, strong emotions are addictive. I find that I am easily affected by the events and people around me. I am trying to bring the teaching to mind whenever I feel overpowering emotions. I am less disappointed by lack of reciprocation and certainly feel calmer, less assertive and more amenable. But again, I have my mood swings and the teachings come crashing down (like my angry outburst at mom today morning for calling me four times consecutively on my cell and home phones within 5 minutes, when I was watching Battlestar Gallactica. :) Love you mom.).

"Baby" steps? :)

In thinking about the preliminaries and the message reflected in the teachings, I have come to realize how presumptuous I have been about my impact on people or circumstances.

Human life is precious.

The more I am made aware of it, the more heartbreaking it is to hear about all the vicious killings of people all over the world. I watched Waltz with Bashir twice in the last two days, both times feeling overwhelming distress about the Shabra and Shatila massacre. Even as I think about all the indoctrinated young soldiers fighting the war on both sides, kids holding guns, women and older people walking towards their end, I am enraged, disturbed, and driven to tears. What am I to do with this knowledge that life is precious? I could grieve for the people who don’t have the luxury of reflecting on life and death, or be grateful for my own life even as I feel sorry for those who are not as fortunate. What beyond that?

Death comes to everyone.

Here again, I can’t help but wonder about people to whom death comes so brutally. Should I then come to terms with the fact that death comes to everyone or focus on the unfairness with which it comes to many! I speak not just of war, but of poverty, of sickness.

What goes around comes around.

Does it really? Do my actions have consequences? Can I act in a way as to promote peace and hope that it will have made an impact? Or am I being bigheaded about my role in this world? At the moment, I feel very small and insignificant. That being said, WAR seems to go around and come around a lot. The same tragic chain of events repeating themselves in cycles, where each side takes revenge on the other, or the same side repeatedly attacks the other with a temporary suspension of hostility, during which time adversaries in some other part of the world decide to go into battle!

Contemplate that as long as you are too focused on self-importance and too caught up in thinking about how you are good or bad, you will suffer. Obsessing about getting what you want and avoiding what you don’t want does not result in happiness.

I am going to think about this a little more. I am hoping that spending some more time contemplating on this teaching will make the light go off in my head and make me less cynical.

In the mean time, I received an email today from a friend with Kevin Carter's 1994 picture of the young emaciated Sudanese girl crawling to the feeding center as a vulture sits behind her waiting for her to die. What am I to do with it?

A few months ago, Tapi and I bought a book called "Always Maintain a Joyful Mind" by Pema Chodron. It has fifty nine tibetan teachings called Lojong to help develop wisdom amid challenges of daily living.

Most of the teachings are quite straight-out, like: "don't expect applause", "abandon poisonous food", "don't be jealous" and so on.

The idea is to pick a slogan at random from the book each day, read the short commentary offered by the author and try to live by the meaning of that slogan throughout the day.

It is interesting to see how the work you do, and your everyday interactions with people take on new meaning each day depending on the slogan you have called to mind. The message manifests itself in your life in more ways than you had imagined.

Some slogans seem quite unclear in meaning without the commentary, like "Practice the five strengths, the condensed heart instructions", "three objects, three poisons, and three seeds of virtue."

I find with these ones that the commentary speaks of more than one thing, which then makes me want to take more than a day to think about the message.

Take today's slogan for instance. It is impossible to know what it could mean without the commentary . It also happens to be the first slogan for this year. I hope to make a regular habit of this from now on and read a slogan a day, or in some cases read the same slogan everyday until I am ready to move on to the next.

Slogan:
First, train in the preliminaries

Commentary:
The preliminaries are also known as the four reminders.
In your daily life, try to:

1. Maintain an awareness of the preciousness of human life.
2. Be aware of the reality that life ends; death comes for everyone
3. Recall that whatever you do, whether virtuous or not, has a result; what goes around comes around
4. Contemplate that as long as you are too focused on self-importance and too caught up in thinking about how you are good or bad, you will suffer. Obsessing about getting what you want and avoiding what you don’t want does not result in happiness.

That is a lot to take in at once. Frankly, I am a little overwhelmed with the recommendations and am not sure what to focus on and how. I can't even imagine how I would apply it in my regular life. I suppose I could split them into four different slogans, one for each day, and think about them independently first and then together as a whole and see where that takes me.

So more about this when I am done thinking and training in the preliminaries and taking the attitude of the four reminders :)

You know there is a "joyful mind" section coming up on this website soon, don't you?