Slogan:
Self-liberate even the antidote.

Commentary:
Do not hang on to anything -- even the realization that there's nothing solid to hold onto.

For almost two months, I have been lumbered with a teaching that says "do not hang on to anything". I have not only been hanging on to it, but have also been stubbornly faithful to it! Such is the paradox of this teaching.

But, before I get into my thoughts on the teaching itself, I will take off on some related tangents with the hope that everything will come together in the end. :-)

I have never been good at moving on, including from people who give me every reason to want to move on. I could recoil and shrink mentally as a result of hurt; I could physically dissociate myself from them; but I can't stop longing for them and needing them. I do so openly sometimes, but most times it is a secret yearning. Even after a relationship has dissolved, I tend to feel like there is still a lot of affection left to give and take and that's just the way it has been so far. Sometimes, I want to abide by this teaching and tell myself that I should not hang on to anything, not even the realization that there's nothing solid to hold onto. The idea being that I am able to move on easily when a relationship dissolves. At the same time this makes me feel cowardly. I shouldn't have to be afraid of loving someone and holding on to that love, out of fear that I might get hurt when that affection is not returned. I think of my love for Tapi, my family and close friends, and how much I have gained from holding on to them! I even look back at the loving memories of people I have now dissociated myself with, and I don't regret the good times I have shared with them. Still, there is the hurt and the regret that it didn't last forever. It looks like I have one part of this teaching and the opposite of this teaching figured out! I am hanging on to everything, even when there is nothing solid to hang on to.

Being stubborn comes easy to me! While I am endowed with a capacity to reason, I am determined not to change my position on things in spite of good arguments. This is when the heart overtakes the mind and I go with what feels good and not what feels right. Eventually however, I change my attitude but on my own terms. I do not hang on to anything -- even the realization that there's nothing solid to hold onto..... except when I am stubborn :-)

During the previous Joyful Mind exercises, I tried to let my mind go blank until I was told to let it go haywire. I have tried to be aware and hold on to something solid and then I learnt that there is nothing solid to hold on to. With each new teaching, my mind had been in odds with the previous teaching, so much that as soon as I thought I understood one teaching, I was being asked to let go of that understanding and try the opposite. Somehow, it all seems to come together now. The idea I think is to let go of our beliefs and challenge our sense of right and wrong. As soon as we become secure in one belief, it is time to kick against it and adopt a different one. And how else would we do it, except by being absorbed only in our present experience!

I am reminded of the concept of alaya, which Chodron explains Alaya as "the face you had before your parents were born". More directly, Alaya is what you are without your preconceived notions, your beliefs, including your belief in the value of knowledge. The way I understand it, without preconceived notions, a person is floating through life with no sense of past and anticipation of the future. An important 13th century monk, Karmapa Rangjung Dorje, wrote a beautiful poem about Alaya, which occupies my mind today. Nothing explains alaya as simply and profoundly as it does. Here is another well-written post on alaya that I found on a blog today that's making me want to think about this teaching a little more before I move onto the next. I now want to look at this Joyful Mind exercise as a way to experience alaya for a few minutes through meditation, even if it is not completely realizable.

I am reading a translation of Dorje's teachings where he explains alaya quite lucidly. "Transcending Ego: Distinguishing Consciousness from Wisdom". The explanation is on page 8.