"So, who is your best friend this year Prabha? (wink wink)" 

That was the question I was asked every year after the first day of school. For some reason, I couldn't keep a best friend for longer than a year and we broke off for the weirdest reasons. My most favorite reason is "she now has a dog..." or some such thing. But soon, I ran out of choices and they were back in my life, only, thanks to the lapse of time, we met on a different plane from the previous time we were best friends! 

This "Best Friend of the Year" tradition continued all through school and  college, and eventually in every new city I lived in. I can now tell when I am ready to move on from a relationship with a friend much before it happens. Now, what does having this kind of wisdom make me sound like (!)

Fortunately, none of my relationships really ended. They faded smoothly from one to another, and I managed to keep in touch with most of them. But when I think of the few friends I've lost over the years, it triggers feelings of guilt mixed with hurt. I wish we hadn't moved on. I wish I could undo some of the damage, if only to part on better terms... But, more than anything, I hope we have both gained and lost something from it, even if it means a more enviable relationship with some other person. 

I say all this now because the last hour has been rather melancholic. I spent it recalling lot of fun memories with friends I have now lost touch with.  

Sometimes, all it takes is one incident or a change in circumstance for a great relationship to come crashing down. Had things not changed, and we hadn't tumbled forward, perhaps we would have been together still, sharing our silly jokes, and doing ridiculously embarrassing things.    

Then there are those that just end without episode. Hours turn to days, days to months, you are living special moments together and feeling snug about being able to do things you couldn't with anyone else, but before you know it, you have less and less of those moments with each other, and more and more of them with someone else.

I don't know why this happens. I think it has to do with feeling claustrophobic in relationships after they get to a point. The more you are with a person, the more whiny you tend to get around them. You want to share every little detail about your life with them in an unpleasant bellyaching tune. The conversations about distress eclipse the fun moments, and before you know it, every part of your friends body has vanished thanks to your whining, except for the shoulder on which your big sobbing head is resting... And when that happens, your friend who is carrying your weight begins to  find an outlet to have fun. And then, the inevitable happens. She has moved on even as she feels utterly terrible for doing so, but you really brought it on yourself! I know I sound rotten for saying this, but perfectly happy people can become whiny because they are allowed to! A best friend is as much a gift to you, as alcohol is to an alcoholic.

Now, don't get me wrong. I know this sounds terrible. But, I don't speak of people with genuine problems... only those who whine only because they have the luxury of doing so!

Today I have a few close friends I can't imagine my life without. Some of them have known me since kindergarten, and some others, I was fortunate to arrive at more recently. It seems to me like we get along because we are able to gauge each other's tolerance for whininess and adjust our comportment accordingly. Mostly, we are all in it to have genuine moments of fun. And when someone is distressed, you know they have every reason to be, and want to do everything you can to bail them out.   

Still, as I look back at the past and recall some relationships that came to an unexpected end, they prompt lingering feelings of love and hurt. Can I say that my relationship with them has ended, even if we haven't been in touch? Perhaps not. At least, not as long as I wish they were still part of my life.