Relationships
(I know! I am going Hallmark on you
:D)
Having lived away from family for five years, not
counting the two years in Manipal, I can answer what
life is like without family with some certainty. I
miss my parents and grandparents, but beyond that
I feel detached from life back in
India. There is nostalgia for time, but not
nostalgia for the place or the people. This puts
me in a predicament so to speak. If the place
and people change over time, and if it is time
or "life as it was" that I miss, what do I
go home to? (aside from parents,
grandparents, and my brother that is)
I realized this when I went to India last year. Most of my month's stay was spent in adjusting to life at home, reconciling to the shock of not being able to connect to anyone or anything, and coming to terms with the way things worked or did not work. I think it may have been the result of coming home after a long gap of 4 years. There was so much that I was looking forward to, and I almost forgot that time does not stand still. All the accumulated excitement and anticipation of going back home after so long resulted in the worst case of disenchantment when I finally made it back to India. By the end of the trip, I still didn't come to the point of enjoying my stay, except for "awkwardly" adjusting to it.
Funny how, mom (especially) and my family kept calling Tapi to come to wherever I was, because I was so much at ease with everything when he was around. I would open up better, and just kick back and relax. But as a result, he spent lesser time with his family and I hope they don't hate me for it! :-( He's the only constant I have had in my life in the last 10 years, and to say that I can't remember what life was like before I met him wouldn't be an exaggeration. I was 18 when we met, and all my formative years were spent being in love with the most awesome guy on the planet! :) I feel paralyzed without him! (as I did today, when I had to find a gift for my office party on my own!)
What did my India trip do to me? It's made me cynical. I realized nothing lasts forever. I am afraid of becoming attached to places or people. I have weaned off close friends and cousins, including people I used to speak to every day for hours together. I felt like I didn't want to cling to a hopeless situation. Is there a point to keeping in touch? Are we just clinging to that "nostalgic time" that does not exist anymore? Haven't we all just moved on?
I don't feel like reconnecting with anyone unless I feel assured that things will be just as they were many years ago. However, in saying this I think of all the people I still talk to very often. The cousins I am still close to, old friends I still keep in touch with. With them, I managed to put the nostalgia behind and am getting to know them for who they are right now. It's like a brand new relationship. These are the same people I grew up with, but see in new light.
There are some people who have changed over time, just as I have. I can't relate to them anymore, but still want to hold on to them. I think it may have to do with my fear of losing people I have known for so many years! It's like that old rag doll in the attic,sitting there for years, unseen, unnoticed and collecting dust. It will never even occur to you to throw it away! It will remain with you forever, and every once in a while when you see it, it will bring a smile to your face and evoke forgotten memories. But, you can't help but feel sad for the lost time, and for not taking better care of it. You can attempt to clean it as best as you can and put it on your display shelf, but can you really revive it? Does it need reviving? And if you do, will it ever be the same?
Somehow this attitudinal change has impacted how I see newer relationships. I react to people like it might very well be the last time I talk to them. I make no effort in trying to please them. If it happens, it happens. Relationships are not as important to me as the idea of being myself in one. As a result, I am surrounded now by fewer people, but those I am most comfortable with. People I can totally be myself with! But, will I be okay again if I were to lose them, like I did many others?
I realized this when I went to India last year. Most of my month's stay was spent in adjusting to life at home, reconciling to the shock of not being able to connect to anyone or anything, and coming to terms with the way things worked or did not work. I think it may have been the result of coming home after a long gap of 4 years. There was so much that I was looking forward to, and I almost forgot that time does not stand still. All the accumulated excitement and anticipation of going back home after so long resulted in the worst case of disenchantment when I finally made it back to India. By the end of the trip, I still didn't come to the point of enjoying my stay, except for "awkwardly" adjusting to it.
Funny how, mom (especially) and my family kept calling Tapi to come to wherever I was, because I was so much at ease with everything when he was around. I would open up better, and just kick back and relax. But as a result, he spent lesser time with his family and I hope they don't hate me for it! :-( He's the only constant I have had in my life in the last 10 years, and to say that I can't remember what life was like before I met him wouldn't be an exaggeration. I was 18 when we met, and all my formative years were spent being in love with the most awesome guy on the planet! :) I feel paralyzed without him! (as I did today, when I had to find a gift for my office party on my own!)
What did my India trip do to me? It's made me cynical. I realized nothing lasts forever. I am afraid of becoming attached to places or people. I have weaned off close friends and cousins, including people I used to speak to every day for hours together. I felt like I didn't want to cling to a hopeless situation. Is there a point to keeping in touch? Are we just clinging to that "nostalgic time" that does not exist anymore? Haven't we all just moved on?
I don't feel like reconnecting with anyone unless I feel assured that things will be just as they were many years ago. However, in saying this I think of all the people I still talk to very often. The cousins I am still close to, old friends I still keep in touch with. With them, I managed to put the nostalgia behind and am getting to know them for who they are right now. It's like a brand new relationship. These are the same people I grew up with, but see in new light.
There are some people who have changed over time, just as I have. I can't relate to them anymore, but still want to hold on to them. I think it may have to do with my fear of losing people I have known for so many years! It's like that old rag doll in the attic,sitting there for years, unseen, unnoticed and collecting dust. It will never even occur to you to throw it away! It will remain with you forever, and every once in a while when you see it, it will bring a smile to your face and evoke forgotten memories. But, you can't help but feel sad for the lost time, and for not taking better care of it. You can attempt to clean it as best as you can and put it on your display shelf, but can you really revive it? Does it need reviving? And if you do, will it ever be the same?
Somehow this attitudinal change has impacted how I see newer relationships. I react to people like it might very well be the last time I talk to them. I make no effort in trying to please them. If it happens, it happens. Relationships are not as important to me as the idea of being myself in one. As a result, I am surrounded now by fewer people, but those I am most comfortable with. People I can totally be myself with! But, will I be okay again if I were to lose them, like I did many others?
